First of all- the open house was amazingly awesome and we owe much thanks for that. Second, teaching is incredible, I am so glad I am not nannying any more!
This is what is on my heart- it is long...
I don’t really talk much at all about my childhood because- to put it lightly- it was not a good one. Never can I imagine starting anything I write with “I Crystal, having been born of goodly parents…” but even so, I love my mother and fathers very much. I especially try to do things to show my mom I care and that all I really want is to see her proud of me. As it is, however, I am not sure I will ever see that come to pass. I will keep trying to make her like me in some way as long as I live, though. It is because of these failed attempts, I am convinced that I have many insecurities and anxieties…
That being said, I was born to Dianna Hart, age 17 and one month and James A Scott, 19 and a half 31 years and one week ago. My mother was not married to James Scott, and in fact, their association can to pass after she was already pregnant with me. The plan was that I would be given up for adoption, but as the story was told (and I only heard it one time as I was eavesdropping at about age 9), my “dad” begged my mom not to give me up and eventually they were married- by the time my brother Jason was born- a mere 11 months later. I never had my mother’s maiden name as my own- I know that many born into the situation that I was do not have that luxury.
My dad (and now my “dad”) was always a really great father. I remember him sitting on the steps to our house one summer night with me and my two brothers, Jason and David singing silly songs for hours- songs that he repeated and repeated so often that now I can still recall everything in those songs. He also taught me pig latin- I was efficient by the time I was 4. My mom left my dad for the first time when I was five and after a few months, my grandparents Hart came for us and we lived with them for several months before my dad came and retrieved us again. About 6 months later, my mom came back- on Christmas day in fact. I still remember our presents from that year- I got a loom to weave nylon bands into potholders and Jason and David each got a blue race car with a yellow stripe down the center, after you rolled it back across the floor and pushed the tiny yellow button on the top and in the center, the car would zoom forward. We were really poor, but I did not know. We were all ridiculed at school and one day (before my mom came back) I asked my dad if we were poor- someone at school had asked me that and I did not know the answer. He told me that yes, we were indeed poor. That was first grade and ever since then, I have suffered greatly from inferiority and the notion that I am not as good as those around me. That only worsened with time.
When I was seven, my mom and dad split up for good. My dad never hurt any of us, but he did hurt my mom and I remember sneaking out in the middle of the night on a couple occasions to call the police on him for hurting my mom. We never had a phone until I was in high school- or a microwave, for that matter.
My mom hurt me for the first time when I was 7 for being outside when she told me to stay inside. She spotted me as she came down the sidewalk and when she came into the door I had just come into, she slammed me into the wall. The next day, I had a bruise over the entire right side of my face- ugly and purple. As I had been getting myself ready for school and walking there alone since I was six, I did the same that day. When the teacher asked me what happened, I told the truth. Later that week, I came down with pneumonia (for the second time in 6 months) and my mom got a visit at work about my injuries. After school the day I got sick, I came home to an empty house- my dad was out for work on the oil fields and my mom and 2 brothers were not home. I fell asleep on the sofa under a crocheted blanket. I woke up 3 days later when my grandma scott and the police came into the house to find me very sick and abandoned. I lived with my grandma for a few months, while my mother ran off with my step-father and 2 brothers. My grandma was going to adopt me, but when my mom found out, she came and got me. She married my step-father and he was pure evil to my mom, my brothers and to me- especially to Jason and I. Remember the pitbull Chong? My step-father killed her in front of me- with a board. He often would take out the same aggression on Jason and I. Jason has many severe issues due to that. Somehow I ended up ok. I give that glory to the Lord—our Savior, Jesus Christ. I have always turned to Him and felt of His love, even when I was a little girl of 10 after a failed attempt to hang myself. In this mix though, came 2 precious souls- Joshua and Michael, my two youngest brothers. I raised them until we were put into foster care when they were 3 and 2. My mom and step-father were not often home (thankfully) and I was the one to take care of them and Jason and David as well.
Since 1989, Jason has been institutionalized for rage-related bipolar disorder, but he has been out for almost 2 years now. He married in April and I thought things would finally settle down for him, but today I had the most awful of phone calls from my mom.
After discussing my grandfather- who is suspected to have bone and possibly brain cancer in addition to kidney and lung cancer, my mother told me that my “dad” had cancer too.
I have not been as good about being any sort of daughter than I should be. When I found out when I was 10 about my “Real father” I felt so betrayed and have struggled greatly with my identity and the burden of being unwanted by my biological father. I saw him 2 times- the first time right before I went to boot camp for the Marine Corps and the second time- as he lie dead in his casket the week before my graduation from Mary Baldwin College. I saw my “dad” in March of 2004 just before I became single. I went to my uncle’s funeral and he was there- I told Valerie what a great dad he was to me when I was little and told her that he knows the best silly songs in front of him… rather than to him. I have not really talked at all to him since then. When I called him today, I just began to cry and cry- much like now. He was a good dad to me when I was little and perhaps because I was 7 when he left, I remember what it was like to have a good father for a moment of my life… I also think that my brothers do not remember that as part of their lives- or in the case of Michael and Joshua- they never had that. My dad has anal cancer and that is really an ugly one… and he has no health insurance. I do not know what they are going to do. I myself feel like I want to do something tangible, but I do not know what that is.
In addition to finding out this about my dad- I finally got my brother Jason’s phone number- he is already going through a divorce from his wife who cheated on him and he is so miserable. All he wants is her back and she cheated on him- that is what being raised like we were does. It makes you do afraid of being abandoned again that you would rather be abused but with someone. I thank God that I have such a loyal, sweet, kind, wonderful husband more like Christ Himself than any person I have ever met…
In addition to this, I found out Joshua has been arrested for selling marijuana and he has 2 little girls, age 2 and 1 and his 1 year old (Brianna) spends much time hospitalized because of strange infections that never seem to go away.
Also, David has been having problems with paranoia lately.
Finally, my littlest brother is going to be a father in March and he thinks the best thing to do in order to take care of his girlfriend and infant is to enlist in the Marine Corps! I can not even pretend that I think that is a good idea. I hated the USMC and got out (thankfully, though it was not easy) and we were not at endless war with Iraq. He is supposed to swear in on Monday, but thank goodness I talked to him at-length at why I despised the marines and hopefully he will not swear in. I feel very strongly that that would be a very bad decision for him and after talking to him, I know he is very nervous about the idea as well but trying to do something “right” for his new family. I pray he prays and gets a clear indication as to what to do. He is so precious to me and I remember him standing on the porch crying when I left for boot camp from my grandparents and I do not want him to go! The marines are first sent off into combat and they are already short soldiers and as an enlisted 7 foot man, I think they would ship him off to war as soon as he finished recruit training.
The reason I post this is because my heart is so incredibly burdened and all those I love in my family need your prayers. Please pray.
Crystal
HISTORY
A Little History:
Our story begins in Pocatello, Idaho, circa 1972, when the lovely Debby Christensen agreed to a first, though fateful date with admirer, David Croshaw. Long story-short, he bade her follow him, and they went arm-in-arm to the Logan, Utah temple for establishment of an eternal family unit, Generation 1, on May 23 1973.
From their first blissful summer in Salt Lake City, educational pursuits took them to Provo/Orem, Utah, birthplace of Leslie and Rebecca, and to San Francisco/Oakland California, birthplace of Colin and Matt. Then, for establishment of livelihood, expansion of the tribe with Abby and Dana, and for raising/unifying of Generation 2, it was back to the roots in Pocatello for a rewarding sojourn.
In time, driven by a raging, but commonly shared sense of adventure and independence, one-by-one, Generation 2 escaped the homeland to distant regions of the country and the world, each ultimately developing their own tribal expansions by pairing with worthy mates and initiating Generation 3.
Now sensing fulfillment of their purpose in Pocatello, Generation 1 has also left those roots and transplanted to Cascade Idaho, from which base, they anticipate more abundant contact with The Posterity, Generations 2 and 3, in the future. That contact however, awaits fulfillment of a call to LDS missionary service in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, wherein they hope to help the state of the world by sharing the love of Jesus Christ.
So now, including Generation 0 (Grandma and Grandpa Christensen) home base includes Yuma, Arizona, Pocatello, Idaho, Cascade, Idaho, Vancouver, BC, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Los Angeles, California, back to Boise, Idaho, and on and on (Generation 3+) to infinity.
Our Mission Statement:
This is the blog of our eternal family unit. Initiated years ago, it served well as a journal, but even more so, as an archive of our personal interaction. It was a gathering place, a confabulation instrument, a unifying force for four generations of widely dispersed and progressively prolific posterity, and their valued associates. Though it served these purposes well for many years, it eventually took a back seat to new-kids-on-the-block, Facebook, and Instagram, and was sadly forgotten.
We now move to resurrect this blog with an added functional purpose of archiving the missionary experiences of Generation 1, of their movements and activities as they participate with The Gathering of Israel in the land northward. In so doing, we hope that via their own comments and posts, this blog will again serve to gather and unify the posterity and their friends.
As in the past, that the young and vibrant may know the old and tired, that enduring bonds may be fostered and maintained, that experience and encouragement may be openly shared, that posterity may embrace truth, and that hearts may be knit together, we must resist detachment despite our geographic divergence. We shall do so here.
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9 comments:
Dear Crystal,
I cannot imagine living with the burdens you have had in your life. I am grateful every day for the gospel that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and now I am doubly grateful for that. The gospel is really all that can make a difference, permanently, in one's life. I am also so grateful for you. So often people in your situation cannot break out of the cycle that their life has been. You have miraculously done that, and you are making a different life for Valerie. She is very lucky to have you and Matt. I will pray for your family. It seems that is just about all you can do for them, as well. I hope it is a comfort to you to know that although they don't realize it, Heavenly Father loves them with all His heart. Things will eventually be made right for them, and because of you, I think, the truths of the gospel will be easy for them to accept. Good luck with the internal part of all this. I will pray for you as well. Is anyone caring for your brother's children? We all love you, and are so grateful to have you a part of our lives, and especially to be a part of Matt's life. I love you, Debby
Oh Crystal - how my heart aches for the burdens this life has given and gives to you. I really do wonder at times why some must suffer so when He could lift our burdens and make them light. Of course, we know the answer. We will pray. You know this but the Lord loves you and your family. Never loose faith even though it may feel as though your family has been forgotten. You will be so blessed for your efforts. Lori
Thank you- I do pray and pray- I think, in fact it is my prayers that have kept my brothers particularly relatively safe. Joshua's girlfriend (they are not married) has the two girls (Emma and Brianna) and I think Joshua may be out of jail now. The question is- for how long will he be out and when will he realize what he is doing is so wrong on multiple levels?!
He too suffers clinical depression and has real struggles with making good decisions for the long-term. I used to get Michael and Joshua during Christmas and summers before they started having babies and I know that was a good influence on them (I have always been actively Christian, now I just have it right) but they truly believe that I am fundamentally "Better" than they are- not in quality but in life-decisions. I truly believe that they think they are trapped and unable to escape so they may as well not even try too hard to escape. It was the same with my mom and a lot of her family when we grew up. I always wanted better though, from the time I was old enough to realize that not everyone had to go through what we did... and one day my grandma Scott told me to "get your education, that is your ticket out" and that is what I did.
I am going to the temple tomorrow and I hope to receive some solace there. I will certainly be putting all of thier names on the roles (I do that anyway) but I will also be fasting for them as well- and for Matt too- he takes the LSAT at the end of September and that I will not have any more miscarriages. Never would I have thought I would be dealing with infertility... I had Valerie so young and so quickly.
Anyway. Thank you for your thoughts, encouragement and prayers.
Crystal
Oh Crystal...it hurts so much to read that. I, who have never had a hard life in the least, never even think about things some people have to stuggle with. I know there are people with difficult lives, but it's impossible to imagine what some people have to go through. I never would have guessed what your past was like by the way you are now. You are such an example to your entire family, even your mother. She might not conciously realize that, but she, and the rest of your family, can look at you and see that you have something better, know something more than they do.
It's incredible to me how you and Ray have turned your lives into something else, when you could have used your horrible childhoods as a reason to let it all go and not try. I'm so thankful I have both of you in my lives. Just reading this makes me want to be a better mother. Valerie is so blessed that you have learned from your past. You're an example to this family as well. I love you, and I will be praying for your family too.
Dana
Crystal,
As Matt may have told you, I worked with foster kids for about 6 years and I am always so impressed by people who can rise above such dire circumstances and become happy successful people, especially circumstances that affect self-esteem. You are such a wonderful example to me. To me, it sounds like your mom doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as you, and the rational side of you probably knows that too, but a person never stops wanting the approval of their parents. I was always struck by that fact with the foster kids that I worked with, and I also see that with Ray. I know that your mom is impressed by you, how could she not be? What you have made of your life is amazing. Pride is something that she may not necessarily understand, it is hard for the selfish to feel pride, but I know she is impressed by you. She may even be a little jealous of the person you have become :) I am so grateful that you found the gospel. The longer I live, the more I see that the gospel is really the only true way to heal such horrific wounds. You are such a wonderful mom to Valerie. She is lucky to have you. So is my brother. I am so grateful that he found someone who loves him so much and treats him so well. I will pray for your sweet family and I hope you know how much I love you and how much my admiration of you grows the more I get to know you.
love, becky
The resiliency of the human soul is amazing. I don't know if I have the right to be, but I'm so proud of you and who you've become. I will definitely be praying for your family, especially for your brothers.
Love you, Leslie
I tell you, it is such a testimony to me the way it felt to go to the temple, write down names (and this time I included reasons) and add them to the temple rolls and attend a session with Matt.
We got to sit next to each other and hold hands (remember what the sealer told Leslie and Alex about how good it feels to hold hands?!). We were not the witness couple either- the DC temple is set up differently in terms of men/women and it was really nice- the first time we have had that outside being the witness couple.
It invoked such peace to have that experience, go through the veil and talk with Matt about things in the celestial room after participating in the prayer circle where "righteous desires" were a theme.
The ride home and the beginning of our fasts were also lovely. Today I bore my testimony for the first time in our new ward and it was so incredibly lucid that I only have the Spirit to thank. I am definitely not as clear-thinking on the fly as I would love to be.
I know things will be ok, I know they will and I think this will be a good year for all of you and those I love and even for me as well...
love you all.
Crystal
Crystal, your strength inspires me. I imagine much of this was difficult to share with us, but I am grateful that you did. Thank you for your example to our family. The Savior has done so much to carry you through your life, I will be praying that the rest of your family will let Him help them, too.
I love you,
Abby
Crystal,
Sometimes it seems regretable that the principle of agency precludes us from forcing those we love into accepting a better way of life. But, on an eternal scale, it is not regretable. By their own agency, they must willfully take those steps themselves, for that is the only way they will earn and percieve the eternal value of such progress. It may be a difficult and long process, but if they can see even a glimmer of hope for a better life, I believe they will take those first steps. And, I believe that your good example combined with the Light of Christ will provide them that glimmer of hope.
It is no wonder that you feel overwhelmed by it all. I am sure that none of us can imagine what you are going through. I suspect though, that you are feeling deep conflict between the burdens of helping your extended family, and your present commitments to your own physical and mental well-being and that of your own new family. Of course, the latter must take precedent. It is important for you and them that you have joy and happiness in your eternal home. Beyond that you can only do so much for the other concerns. Of course, it will seem that you can never stretch yourself far enough, but you should never feel guilty about that. Your good example combined with your prayerful, charitable feelings and moral support for troubled family members will be enough to satisfy the Lord, and He will take care of the rest.
Ultimately, caring and praying are about all you can do. Your request for additional prayers will intensify that effect. Obviously, your request did not go unnoticed by the family. I believe there is immense power in the combined, focused prayers of many sincere people. I believe that is the principle behind the prayer rolls in the temples. Debby and I work at the Idaho Falls temple every week, and we have been and will continue to put you and your family on those rolls each week. Of course we will personally pray for you and them as well. Many focused prayers will be offered, and you can count on the hearts of your family being touched. You can also expect blessings of comfort for yourself.
As for those whose illnesses have or will shorten their mortal lives, I believe the next life will be better to them. Their passing may be sad for loved ones who remain behind, but the next stage will offer them opportunities that they may not have had in this life. In the Spirit World they will be taught the gospel, perhaps for as long as it takes. Even there, their agency will apply as they will have to accept or reject it, but you can help assure a positive outcome to their acceptance by doing their ordinance work for them as soon as possible. That will provide you appreciable fulfillment.
Really, life can be full of difficulties and disappointments, but in the gospel, all is bright. I know you know that, and I hope you can let that brightness comfort you in these difficult times. In overcoming the significant hardships of your life, you have developed admirable character. It is gratifying to us to now have that example in our family. Love,
David
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