So. I can't sleep. I want to, but I have a terrible headache... then there is the stomach ache, the really scary news from a friend and horrifying news from my mom... and I have a lot on my mind.
Timing is a funny thing. Back in 2006, I was making all the preparations to move to Utah to work for a lovely lady at UofU. Suddenly, that fell totally through and I was "stuck" here with 2 weeks on a lease and no plans. I found myself in a house (I had been in a one bedroom apt, sleeping on the sofa for 2 years), with 2 jobs, still matriculating in my graduate program and... I met Matt. Literally, all within a month. It was all about the timing.
The past couple years have been... ahem... challenging. So challenging, in fact, I was pretty sure I was being punished for something I did not understand. And defiant. I was defiant and pretty sure that all this was unfair and "not right."
At the same time, a good friend of mine from college has been struggling with fertility. She and her husband spent tens of thousands and finally got miss Katie. Imagine my amusement when I got a text from Shannon Monday that said simply "We are going to need a minivan" because Shannon had been to the Dr to do preg. hormone testing. Shannon miscarried Wednesday and today got a call from the US government asking her to (finally) start the job she landed 3 months ago. Timing is a funny thing. Sometimes we are asked to bear so much in such a short time. Other times we skate by scot-free, other times the devastating is tempered by the joy. Always though, God's timing is perfection.
I see there was a measure of timing to this situation in my little family's experience. For sure, we are all better for the hardships we have journeyed through. Matt and I are still in love. We still REALLY love each other's company. My 13 year old still snuggles me at church. My baby ADORES. ADORES. his family. It is just wonderful, really, the love we have for each other and the strength we have found in our little family. We have also gained strength from the love of you all too. We have gotten letters, phone calls, emails, etc that just buoy us up from the depths... Always at a perfect time.
I am not sure why, but Matt got a job this week and I feel pretty good about the interview I had Tuesday. That interview experience did WONDERS for my self-worth. I will be honest. I have felt quite under-valued most of recent years, and that experience taught me that I do have value. Brilliant people like me and think I am brilliant too. That has always been the only thing I felt I had out-of-the-ordinary and of late, it has felt that my intelligence does not matter. It does though, it was a gift and I have used that gift. I use the gift to (hopefully) inspire others. I hand out career and summer-intern advise every day. I have many students who have told me that I am their favorite, yet often I have felt like I just don't matter. I was one of two asked to interview for a job that had many, many applicants, 47 of them seriously considered... Since Matt DOES have a job, honestly, it will be fine with me both ways if I get the fancy job or not. It is like a break in the clouds. Believe me, it is no fun to walk in darkness for so long and to feel so... isolated and compelled to maintain an arms-distance attitude for fear of the emotions that heart-felt sharing might release.
Anyway. I am grateful. I realize the Lord's timing is perfect and I really have no idea what He is doing, honestly, I don't, but I do have faith. I have the faith that things will work out the way they should and that I will be satisfied because, in all honesty, I am keeping my end of the bargain and God is bound to keep His.
anyway. I just wanted to share. What are your thoughts on timing?
5 comments:
It's always been about timing for me. My patriarchal blessing told me I'd meet a young man in due time of the Lord. I was convinced I'd be much much older when I got married, then I found him when I was 18. I know it's the Lord's will when things just happen. I decided a few years ago I wanted to move to Texas, I have absolutely no idea why, since I still miss Boise like crazy and wonder if I was crazy to want to leave, but I know we're supposed to be here. Anyway, because I was looking for jobs in Texas, Jason applied for his current job, which we didn't even think would land us in Texas, but eventually did. Now I'm sure there is a reason, or several reasons why we're still here. I'm not sure how all of this ties in with timing, but I feel the same way. Heavenly Father puts us where we are for a certain reason. I have really felt like one of the reasons we moved exactly where we moved to our exact house was because I needed to meet my friend, who has moved to Hawaii since, but I NEEDED to know her, I'm pretty sure about that.
Random and rambling, but I loved your post.
the really hard thing is to match my timing with the Lord, which doesn't happen too often. but, i do think i recognize things when they are His time. it is especially interesting to look back and see how the Lord's hand has worked in our lives. as for dana's post, i was totally baffled why she would ever want to go to Boise State. who goes to Boise State, especially from se idaho? it's a good thing i am not in charge.
Debby's comment reminded me of my testimony of timing, a testimony now supported by 60+ years of observation. Looking back after that long, you will all see numerous tipping points in your lives, where you could have gone one way or another, but were "nudged" in the direction that landed you into a blessed state of being. The alternate directions may have even been more attractive at the time, but events (the Lord's hand) pushed you the other way, and often, years have gone by before you realize why that had to be. His ways are not our ways, but He can see the end from the beginning.
I think we sometimes ignore the nudge and choose poorly, only to find ultimately that twists and turns eventually lead us back to the path we should have taken in the first place. Of course, the less tortuous our path, the more sure our way and the happier we will ultimately be. The Lord has a plan for each of us, and if we are generally faithful, He will assure that plan is worked. Sometimes, that process will necessitate repentance. It's all about our test and reaching eternal life.
When you have a minute, reread the story of Joseph (son of Jacob,) and amid the many disconcerting twists turns of his live, count the number of utterances of the words: "the Lord was with Joseph". Then consider the result. Israel, including all of us, was preserved. The Lord's plan for eternity was realized. It's all very remarkable.
David! I have been thinking of Joseph all week! Matt and I read his story Sunday and I keep thinking about the amazing hand of the Lord in His life, but also, His amazing attitude. Seriously. Wow.
The last two years of my life are peppered with experiences that have solidified my testimony of timing. Because I decided to go back to school at the exact time I did, I will actually be able to graduate. If I'd waited a year - or gone part-time, that may not have happened. At that exact same time, I was given a new (very demanding) calling on Institute Council. When I picked up a job at school too, I really wondered about being able to carry everything and actually magnify my calling. But if I didn't have that calling AND full-time status at school, I probably wouldn't have been able to attend Institute - and then I wouldn't have met David.
Speaking of, that deserves its own focus on timing. Everyone remembers my escapades with Justin. I struggled for a long time to let him go, and I was still struggling when I met David. Even though we both saw compatibility, we both needed time. But a few months later, I received my own endowment, cut ties with Justin, and went on my first date with David, all in about a week. It could have not happened sooner, because I was focused on Justin. But it also could not have happened later. I was about to go to Kenya for the summer and then start night classes and never get to attend Institute again, which meant no more chances to make things happen with David. We had a very teeny window to work with. The only explanation that makes any sense is that we were on the Lord's timetable, and the Spirit helped us to fill in the blanks.
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